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Rumination

from Last Dance by Balkanist Discourse

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Yes, go fuck yourself!

lyrics

Hardly ever do we sing bout falling out of love
Immortalize the moment when you fell hold it inside
Hold for hope that cannot be killed as fast as it began
Never really got to show her all I tried to hide
Hurts me so much knowing you don’t look at me the same
You’re picking up the drift that what I’m feeling’ never died
Hold so tight to keep that hope of mine alive in vain
Lying if I said it’s easy trying moving on

Try to recall who you were before it all
Try to rebuild but it feels like the structure’s torn
Got a fracture in your life, how to recover it all
Don’t wanna dwell on it or just ignore
Feelings of regret and of shame
So easy to drown in it all
To be caught in a feedback loop of
Was the fault on her? Or just mine?
I’m always convinced of the latter
Feeling stuck in a whirlpool

Semi-consciously aware but not enough to change
You need to take a look within and dig into yourself
Recognize you’ve made mistakes and then you try to grow
Know you’ll never bring back time no
And we can’t change the lives we’ve lived and feelings of the past
To live without regrets is vacuous totally crass
It’s not that ruminating does us any good
But when the blame is yours don’t shun it even if you could

Feel’s like a knife has been dug into your soul
Pull it too fast and I’ll bleed out a world of pain and rejection and scorn
Gotta engage in my life - get back to who I’ve become
Remember that this’ll past but till then it’s a sting of defeat you’re forlorn
Crying it all out
But fear these tears - these tears have an endless source
Fearing letting go of those images of her
As someone more and not just like anyone else
Feeling stuck in a hopeless dream

Try to push those feelings to the side
But changing subconsciousness requires consistent tries
To kill that toxic view of her as god
How can I say I’m good if I hurt the ones I’ve loved?

I never thought I could hurt through emotions
Now sinking us both as we drown in the ocean

Reprimanded like a child
For things that I should have known
Now I’m just full of shame
Am I just a complicated lie?
Elaborate facade
Sophisticated dance

Filled to the brim with these horrid emotions
Of dread and detachment to cope with the moment of
Toxic attachment that only could foment
A pain in my heart unlike any I’d known now I’m

feel(in) so numb
I feel so I feel so broken on down and I’m killing that dream
Want to feel
I want to I want to - something other than just fear and anxiety

I thought that I was working through it but really I just was working around
a longing to be with her in my dreams and healing ourselves and stitching our seams
Intention’s fuck all if there is no change no look in the mirror to see you’ve cause pain
give time and space to heal you both I can’t help but feel I fucked it all up

Toxically attached I fucked it up now I’m alone
I spread (shared) my pain all over friends to see what flaws were shown
In the end I saw it all by looking in the mirror
Cause we can grow and change but people sometimes disappear

credits

from Last Dance, released March 2, 2023
Additional musicians:

Sam Ramirez - piano, synth

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Balkanist Discourse Chicago, Illinois

Yo! I'm Hera Jackson - Trans (she/her), queer, making fried and unique music influenced by a variety of styles.

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