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Last Dance

by Balkanist Discourse

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1.
Stagnant 02:53
Every song’s about her now still deep in love such a beautiful feeling to hide try to bury it within Love exists between us both and how it takes form seems determined by circumstance she is true to one that she met before Save your self pity for another day still so many ways to show our love Cause intimacy feels so immeasurable can’t we just be and be ourselves? Friends or more or inbetween or outside of a standard there’s just love in all its nuance and simplicity Time with you it makes me smile and laugh and cry, inwardly pry I fear time turning back a word misplaced and all this disappears I’d give you all my happiness But love could still feel selfish in the end Maybe I’m just holding on I fear that day that you become another just like everybody else
2.
Mandy 05:03
They said it’s not you but it’s them but they’re who you want just wanna scream and cry Hurts so much to know it’s no one’s fault And now I want to hold her close - she saw the pain was in disguise And her questions pierced my soul - I wanna know her scars She said she would hurt me deep But she can make me bleed I just want to feel her soul It’s not about pain or experience But the way that you respond is who you are We could never know the pain that we see in another eyes Girl please don’t push me away I just want to understand Simple narratives ain’t right you’re exponentially more than that I’m not here to make you change Slice my wrists and take my blood, emotionally abuse me Take a chance and girl I’d be your girl or man But I swear I know it’s wrong, cause you’re just trying to grow I’m trying to do the same But you’ve sunk in your teeth and hit a vein Feel like it’s out of my control - I test the waters yet again But even in a bad place in your soul there was no one to blame Timing’s a thing we just cannot control Even if from darkness some things you said were true Pushing my luck just to know you in full You said it time and time again - it could not be Back to the loneliness I’ve known but this time the fault is all my own Seems I made you push me away For an inability to change No Hollywood affair Cause I may never see her again Feelings they got in the way Torn inside cause this dumb heart of mine; a self fulfilling pattern Left here in self-loathing misery Don’t you throw your love away Learn from it and find a way You can’t love and own someone Possessive shit’s a loaded gun An expectation’s made by hope
Be mindful of your thoughts and what’s at core Love can be a selfish thing So think of who you’re really doing it for Partners, friends or something else All just ways to try to box it in Don’t you change for someone else You should grow and do it for yourself Never blame another for Problems in your head that you’ve ignored Attachment in toxic form Feel it when she finally cuts the cord Emotionally abused before Anxiety can cut into my core Trust that feeling, trust in her Acceptance is the way to heal the hurt Am I just lying to myself? Can we just be friends? I say fuck it what’s the worry Sometimes sitting through abuse Cause it’s been part of our love before And it’s so fucking hard to change Hold so tight but need to let it go To truly free ourselves Having feelings don’t make her right for you True - still chokes me up to say Guess we’re better off this way (We) were never meant to be together But your cold gaze still fucks me up every time
3.
Bez*s 02:50
Down, down, down! Hide those feelings inside I would need a lifetime of PTO To feel like I’m living again A world that implies our worth comes from our labor Jeff Bez*s gets the wall
4.
Rumination 06:19
Hardly ever do we sing bout falling out of love Immortalize the moment when you fell hold it inside Hold for hope that cannot be killed as fast as it began Never really got to show her all I tried to hide Hurts me so much knowing you don’t look at me the same You’re picking up the drift that what I’m feeling’ never died Hold so tight to keep that hope of mine alive in vain Lying if I said it’s easy trying moving on Try to recall who you were before it all Try to rebuild but it feels like the structure’s torn Got a fracture in your life, how to recover it all Don’t wanna dwell on it or just ignore Feelings of regret and of shame So easy to drown in it all To be caught in a feedback loop of Was the fault on her? Or just mine? I’m always convinced of the latter Feeling stuck in a whirlpool Semi-consciously aware but not enough to change You need to take a look within and dig into yourself Recognize you’ve made mistakes and then you try to grow Know you’ll never bring back time no And we can’t change the lives we’ve lived and feelings of the past To live without regrets is vacuous totally crass It’s not that ruminating does us any good But when the blame is yours don’t shun it even if you could Feel’s like a knife has been dug into your soul Pull it too fast and I’ll bleed out a world of pain and rejection and scorn Gotta engage in my life - get back to who I’ve become Remember that this’ll past but till then it’s a sting of defeat you’re forlorn Crying it all out But fear these tears - these tears have an endless source Fearing letting go of those images of her As someone more and not just like anyone else Feeling stuck in a hopeless dream Try to push those feelings to the side But changing subconsciousness requires consistent tries To kill that toxic view of her as god How can I say I’m good if I hurt the ones I’ve loved? I never thought I could hurt through emotions Now sinking us both as we drown in the ocean Reprimanded like a child For things that I should have known Now I’m just full of shame Am I just a complicated lie? Elaborate facade Sophisticated dance Filled to the brim with these horrid emotions Of dread and detachment to cope with the moment of Toxic attachment that only could foment A pain in my heart unlike any I’d known now I’m feel(in) so numb I feel so I feel so broken on down and I’m killing that dream Want to feel I want to I want to - something other than just fear and anxiety I thought that I was working through it but really I just was working around a longing to be with her in my dreams and healing ourselves and stitching our seams Intention’s fuck all if there is no change no look in the mirror to see you’ve cause pain give time and space to heal you both I can’t help but feel I fucked it all up Toxically attached I fucked it up now I’m alone I spread (shared) my pain all over friends to see what flaws were shown In the end I saw it all by looking in the mirror Cause we can grow and change but people sometimes disappear
5.
They/Them 03:11
It's not that hard to remember An effort's required to grow It takes time to change all those things been ingrained So quit being a lazy old fuck or a lazy young fuck
6.
Think on my darkest hour In my mind in my should Was depressed but now I’ve found Someone else who gives me hope If you feel me or not I once was so deep in pain And hiding myself from the world Now I’m so full with new life Now I’m free I was feeling bad about myself misunderstood but now all out Something inside was crying for connection Something so much deeper than this world Something was lost so deep within me so deep in my soul And I’m hard loving on my self questioning my own health Afraid of who I might be curiosity Boredom depression and fear and aggression But soon your transgressions would leave their impression I’m free Your love made me know myself All of my feelings emotions improving your loving has me so alive every day of my life Living in fear - a darkening mirror no more Now that I found you I think that I learned how to fly Looking in the mirror so pensive Tentative to fear intensive Crying out your name gratifies me and erases my pain Once was lost no church to find me Zealots preaching their lies to me I drown it all out, drown it all out Take one more shot and hope that it takes me away From the sorrow that judgement has brought Lies that the Christians had bought I feel your sound ways the truth of the matter is this There is no god but loving to bring you to bliss
7.
nein - no words
8.
Last Dance 06:08
Fear my life has lost all it’s meaning Toxic habits drown out the screaming A world that never dives past the surface Wandering aimlessly with no purpose Anxious insecure old sensation of Loneliness and self-preservation Affection-starved the cracks start to show Am I just a fraud? Don’t want to dissociate Nor trauma bond Swear I’m not stuck on her But we were so fond Want to get out of this Just missing her soul Maybe not positive But I’m stitching the holes Fear won’t you run from so I can know that everything’s alright I’ve got a certain anxiety that keeps me up all night (was it really love or just a ..) Crushing fear of abandonment trying to break through? Draw my blood for two - use it if you can Unrequited love Time flies by but pain heals so slowly Wounds re-open left stuck and lowly Think I’m healing feel like I’ve beat it Then come tears and feelings defeated Stared into the sun for too long Enamored by false hope strung along I could not hide the truth from myself I didn’t allow myself to feel A love that I stored away for fear of pain Not just for me but her - no friendship should wane Cause of subconsciousness and crippling doubts Cut this umbilical cord and let me all out Fear won’t you run from me so I can know that everything’s okay I’ve got a worsening depression that makes me day by day (wondering if the scars will disappear) But the city’s inseparable from memories, smiles and tears Trade stability for happiness I swear Unrequited love Standing in my room Waiting for her text or call to send me up from gloom My soul is hurting deep inside from this anxiety Suddenly I’m transported to a past love’s memory I’m stitching up those seams Fear you can fuck right off - I’m moving on from your old tired embrace I’ve got the strength now to change myself and take off that old face (I think that all that pity’s run its course) Moving on cause I know I wanna live for myself I wish you’d see me know - (but) have I really changed? Unrequited love No more tired embrace I hope you’re doing well This is my last dance I feel when they lie Can’t fight desire Don’t judge that fire Take yourself hire - go on I want to see it all I don’t care to judge you break that wall I’ll see you in those forms I just want to be yours
9.
nein - no words

about

My 3rd album. As DIY as anything I've done and my best work released to date. As colorful, emotive, and musically diverse as ever, it fucks and I'm proud of it.

These are my finished mixes. Mastered versions will be available on major streaming services with the help of my friend and always supportive creative ally, Ben Woolgar.

credits

released March 2, 2023

Huge thanks to Ben Woolgar for providing incredibly helpful mix notes and general support. Will eventually have Ben's mastered versions of these on streaming services.

Guest musicians:
- Matt Blocher: piano on 1
- Joe DeAngelo: violin on 1, 5
- Eric Meftah: drums on 3
- Sam Ramirez: piano, synth on 4
- Ace: violin on 5
- Zachary Finnegan : trumpets on 5
- Sam Bryson: drums on 5

Big thanks to Mark Lesser for transcribing all the string and horn parts on They/Them.

I did all the mixing as well as performing for guitars, bass, singing, percussion, all the drums not listed separately, and some additional synth parts and other MIDI things.

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Balkanist Discourse Chicago, Illinois

Yo! I'm Hera Jackson - Trans (she/her), queer, making fried and unique music influenced by a variety of styles.

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