Get all 8 Balkanist Discourse releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Floating Along, Alienation, Last Dance, Garfelt EP, Ruminate/Hello It's Me (single/"b-side"), Discount Astrology EP, Organic Cigarettes, and Melancholy Love.
1. |
Stagnant
02:53
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Every song’s about her now
still deep in love
such a beautiful feeling to hide
try to bury it within
Love exists between us both
and how it takes form
seems determined by circumstance
she is true to one that she met before
Save your self pity for another day
still so many ways to show our love
Cause intimacy feels so immeasurable
can’t we just be and be ourselves?
Friends or more or inbetween or outside of a standard
there’s just love in all its nuance and simplicity
Time with you it makes me smile and laugh and cry, inwardly pry
I fear time turning back a word misplaced and all this disappears
I’d give you all my happiness
But love could still feel selfish in the end
Maybe I’m just holding on I fear that day that you become another just like everybody else
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2. |
Mandy
05:03
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They said it’s not you but it’s them but they’re who you want
just wanna scream and cry
Hurts so much to know it’s no one’s fault
And now I want to hold her close - she saw the pain was in disguise
And her questions pierced my soul - I wanna know her scars
She said she would hurt me deep
But she can make me bleed I just want to feel her soul
It’s not about pain or experience
But the way that you respond is who you are
We could never know the pain
that we see in another eyes
Girl please don’t push me away
I just want to understand
Simple narratives ain’t right
you’re exponentially more than that
I’m not here to make you change
Slice my wrists and take my blood, emotionally abuse me
Take a chance and girl I’d be your girl or man
But I swear I know it’s wrong, cause you’re just trying to grow
I’m trying to do the same
But you’ve sunk in your teeth and hit a vein
Feel like it’s out of my control - I test the waters yet again
But even in a bad place in your soul there was no one to blame
Timing’s a thing we just cannot control
Even if from darkness some things you said were true
Pushing my luck just to know you in full
You said it time and time again - it could not be
Back to the loneliness I’ve known
but this time the fault is all my own
Seems I made you push me away
For an inability to change
No Hollywood affair
Cause I may never see her again
Feelings they got in the way
Torn inside cause this dumb heart of mine; a self fulfilling pattern
Left here in self-loathing misery
Don’t you throw your love away
Learn from it and find a way
You can’t love and own someone
Possessive shit’s a loaded gun
An expectation’s made by hope
Be mindful of your thoughts and what’s at core
Love can be a selfish thing
So think of who you’re really doing it for
Partners, friends or something else
All just ways to try to box it in
Don’t you change for someone else
You should grow and do it for yourself
Never blame another for
Problems in your head that you’ve ignored
Attachment in toxic form
Feel it when she finally cuts the cord
Emotionally abused before
Anxiety can cut into my core
Trust that feeling, trust in her
Acceptance is the way to heal the hurt
Am I just lying to myself?
Can we just be friends?
I say fuck it what’s the worry
Sometimes sitting through abuse
Cause it’s been part of our love before
And it’s so fucking hard to change
Hold so tight but need to let it go
To truly free ourselves
Having feelings don’t make her right for you
True - still chokes me up to say
Guess we’re better off this way
(We) were never meant to be together
But your cold gaze still fucks me up every time
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3. |
Bez*s
02:50
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Down, down, down!
Hide those feelings inside
I would need a lifetime of PTO
To feel like I’m living again
A world that implies our worth comes from our labor
Jeff Bez*s gets the wall
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4. |
Rumination
06:19
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Hardly ever do we sing bout falling out of love
Immortalize the moment when you fell hold it inside
Hold for hope that cannot be killed as fast as it began
Never really got to show her all I tried to hide
Hurts me so much knowing you don’t look at me the same
You’re picking up the drift that what I’m feeling’ never died
Hold so tight to keep that hope of mine alive in vain
Lying if I said it’s easy trying moving on
Try to recall who you were before it all
Try to rebuild but it feels like the structure’s torn
Got a fracture in your life, how to recover it all
Don’t wanna dwell on it or just ignore
Feelings of regret and of shame
So easy to drown in it all
To be caught in a feedback loop of
Was the fault on her? Or just mine?
I’m always convinced of the latter
Feeling stuck in a whirlpool
Semi-consciously aware but not enough to change
You need to take a look within and dig into yourself
Recognize you’ve made mistakes and then you try to grow
Know you’ll never bring back time no
And we can’t change the lives we’ve lived and feelings of the past
To live without regrets is vacuous totally crass
It’s not that ruminating does us any good
But when the blame is yours don’t shun it even if you could
Feel’s like a knife has been dug into your soul
Pull it too fast and I’ll bleed out a world of pain and rejection and scorn
Gotta engage in my life - get back to who I’ve become
Remember that this’ll past but till then it’s a sting of defeat you’re forlorn
Crying it all out
But fear these tears - these tears have an endless source
Fearing letting go of those images of her
As someone more and not just like anyone else
Feeling stuck in a hopeless dream
Try to push those feelings to the side
But changing subconsciousness requires consistent tries
To kill that toxic view of her as god
How can I say I’m good if I hurt the ones I’ve loved?
I never thought I could hurt through emotions
Now sinking us both as we drown in the ocean
Reprimanded like a child
For things that I should have known
Now I’m just full of shame
Am I just a complicated lie?
Elaborate facade
Sophisticated dance
Filled to the brim with these horrid emotions
Of dread and detachment to cope with the moment of
Toxic attachment that only could foment
A pain in my heart unlike any I’d known now I’m
feel(in) so numb
I feel so I feel so broken on down and I’m killing that dream
Want to feel
I want to I want to - something other than just fear and anxiety
I thought that I was working through it but really I just was working around
a longing to be with her in my dreams and healing ourselves and stitching our seams
Intention’s fuck all if there is no change no look in the mirror to see you’ve cause pain
give time and space to heal you both I can’t help but feel I fucked it all up
Toxically attached I fucked it up now I’m alone
I spread (shared) my pain all over friends to see what flaws were shown
In the end I saw it all by looking in the mirror
Cause we can grow and change but people sometimes disappear
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5. |
They/Them
03:11
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It's not that hard to remember
An effort's required to grow
It takes time to change all those things been ingrained
So quit being a lazy old fuck
or a lazy young fuck
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6. |
Melancholy Love
05:52
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Think on my darkest hour
In my mind in my should
Was depressed but now I’ve found
Someone else who gives me hope
If you feel me or not
I once was so deep in pain
And hiding myself from the world
Now I’m so full with new life
Now I’m free
I was feeling bad about myself misunderstood but now all out
Something inside was crying for connection
Something so much deeper than this world
Something was lost so deep within me so deep in my soul
And I’m hard loving on my self questioning my own health
Afraid of who I might be curiosity
Boredom depression and fear and aggression
But soon your transgressions would leave their impression I’m free
Your love made me know myself
All of my feelings emotions improving your loving has me so alive every day of my life
Living in fear - a darkening mirror no more
Now that I found you I think that I learned how to fly
Looking in the mirror so pensive
Tentative to fear intensive
Crying out your name gratifies me and erases my pain
Once was lost no church to find me
Zealots preaching their lies to me
I drown it all out, drown it all out
Take one more shot and hope that it takes me away
From the sorrow that judgement has brought
Lies that the Christians had bought
I feel your sound ways the truth of the matter is this
There is no god but loving to bring you to bliss
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7. |
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nein - no words
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8. |
Last Dance
06:08
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Fear my life has lost all it’s meaning
Toxic habits drown out the screaming
A world that never dives past the surface
Wandering aimlessly with no purpose
Anxious insecure old sensation of
Loneliness and self-preservation
Affection-starved the cracks start to show
Am I just a fraud?
Don’t want to dissociate
Nor trauma bond
Swear I’m not stuck on her
But we were so fond
Want to get out of this
Just missing her soul
Maybe not positive
But I’m stitching the holes
Fear won’t you run from so I can know that everything’s alright
I’ve got a certain anxiety that keeps me up all night (was it really love or just a ..)
Crushing fear of abandonment trying to break through?
Draw my blood for two - use it if you can
Unrequited love
Time flies by but pain heals so slowly
Wounds re-open left stuck and lowly
Think I’m healing feel like I’ve beat it
Then come tears and feelings defeated
Stared into the sun for too long
Enamored by false hope strung along
I could not hide the truth from myself
I didn’t allow myself to feel
A love that I stored away for fear of pain
Not just for me but her - no friendship should wane
Cause of subconsciousness and crippling doubts
Cut this umbilical cord and let me all out
Fear won’t you run from me so I can know that everything’s okay
I’ve got a worsening depression that makes me day by day (wondering if the scars will disappear)
But the city’s inseparable from memories, smiles and tears
Trade stability for happiness I swear
Unrequited love
Standing in my room
Waiting for her text or call to send me up from gloom
My soul is hurting deep inside from this anxiety
Suddenly I’m transported to a past love’s memory
I’m stitching up those seams
Fear you can fuck right off - I’m moving on from your old tired embrace
I’ve got the strength now to change myself and take off that old face (I think that all that pity’s run its course)
Moving on cause I know I wanna live for myself
I wish you’d see me know - (but) have I really changed?
Unrequited love
No more tired embrace
I hope you’re doing well
This is my last dance
I feel when they lie
Can’t fight desire
Don’t judge that fire
Take yourself hire - go on
I want to see it all
I don’t care to judge you break that wall
I’ll see you in those forms
I just want to be yours
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9. |
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nein - no words
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Balkanist Discourse Chicago, Illinois
Yo! I'm Hera Jackson - Trans (she/her), queer, making fried and unique music influenced by a variety of styles.
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